A redneck walks into a hardware store and asks for a chain saw that
will cut 6 trees in one hour. The salesman recommends the top of the
line model. The redneck is suitably impressed, and buys it.
next day he brings it back and says, “This chain saw is defective.
It would only cut down 1 tree and it took all damn day!”
The salesman takes the chain saw, starts it up to see what’s wrong, and
the puzzled redneck says, “Heck, what’s that noise?”
Bubba didn’t know what the sign in the store window meant when he concocted an idea.
The sign said “Suits $5.00 each, Shirts $2.00 each, Trousers $2.50 per pair”.
Bubba says to his pal, “Billy Ray, Look! We could buy a whole lot of those, and when we get back to Arkansas, we could make a fortune. Now when we go into the shop,you be quiet, okay? Just let me do all the talking cause if they hear our accent, they might not be nice to us. I’ll speak in my best Texas drawl.”
They go in and Bubba says, “I’ll take 50 suits at $5.00 each, 100 shirts at $2.00 each, and 50 pairs of trousers at $2.50 each. I’ll back up my pickup and ……”
The owner of the shop interrupts, “You’re from Arkansas, aren’t you?”
“Well…yes,” says a surprised Bubba. “How come you know that?”
The owner says, “This is a dry cleaners.”
The Amish Hand Warmer
An amish woman and her daughter were riding in an old buggy one cold blustery day. The daughter said to her mother, “My hands are freezing cold.” the mother replied “Put them between your legs. Your body heat will warm them up.” The daughter did and her hands warmed up.
The next day the daughter was riding with her boyfriend who said, “My hands are freezing cold.” The girl replied, “Put them between my legs. The warmth of my body will warm them up.” He did and warmed his hands. The following day the boyfriend was again in the buggy with the daughter. He said,”My nose is cold.” The girl replied”Put it between my legs. The warmth of my body will warm it up.” He did and warmed his nose. The next day the boyfriend was again driving with the daughter and he said, “My penis is frozen solid.”
The following day the daughter was driving in the buggy with her mother, and she says to her mother, “Have you ever heard of a penis?” Slightly concerned the mother said, “Why, yes. Why do you ask?” The daughter replies, “They make one hell of a mess when they defrost, don’t they?”
Lost in translation…
An Asian man walks into a New York Currency Exchange with 2000 yen.
He receives $72.00 in American currency. The following week, the same Asian man walks into the same currency exchange. He again exchanges 2000 yen. This time,he receives $66.00 in American currency. The Asian man doesn’t understand why he received less money, so he asks the clerk, “Why less money when same 2000 yen”
The clerk replies, “Fluctuations.” As the Asian man prepares to leave, he turns, looks at the clerk and angrily says, “Fluck you Amelicans, too!”
A Chinese couple gets married. She’s a virgin and, truth be told, he is none too experienced either. On the wedding night, she cowers naked under the bed sheets as her husband undresses. He climbs in next to her and tries to be reassuring:
“My darring” he says, “I know dis yo firs time and you berry frighten. I pomise you, I give you anyting you want, I do anyting… just anyting you want, you say. Whatch ou want?” he says, trying to sound experienced, which he hopes will impress his virgin bride.
A thoughtful silence follows and he waits patiently (and eagerly) for herre quest. She eventually replies shyly and unsure, “I want… numba 69!” More thoughtful silence,this time from him. Eventually, in a puzzled tone he queries… “You want… Beef wif Broccori?
An old Arab lived close to New York City for more than 40 years. He would have loved to plant potatoes in his garden, but he is alone, old and weak. His son is in college in Paris, so the old man sends him an e-mail. He explains the problem:
son, I am very sad, because I can’t plant potatoes in my garden. I am sure, if
only you were here, you would help and dig up the garden for me.
I love you,
The following day, the old man receives a response e-mail from his son:
Please don’t touch the garden. It’s there that I have hidden ‘the THING’.
I love you, too,
At 4 pm the US Army, The Marines, the FBI, the CIA and the Rangers visit the house of the old man, take the whole garden apart, search every inch, but can’t find anything. Disappointed they leave the house.
A day later, the old man receives another e-mail from his son.
I hope the garden is dug up by now and you can plant your potatoes.
That’s all I could do for you from here.
I love you,