This post is a work in progress….
I have struggled with my issues for most of my life alone. Never being able to get the help i have needed. Sometimes it gets so bad that i am not able to deal with stuff anymore.
As far back as I can remember i was abused by my mother both physically and mentally through junior high until i was removed from that situation.
At the end of 2013 my grandmother passed away from ovarian cancer and the jerk she had married decided that everything was his and gave eviction notices because he was going to sell both properties that our family owned.
I ended up with no where to go other than my mom’s that i didn’t want to go to but had no other alternative than being out on the streets so i ended up going to live with my mom. It was really hard to stay at my moms while she was on her medications for bipolar and when her insurance ended and her medications started running out it went from bad to worse with her verbal abuse. I tried to get help from family but the only help i got was telling me to just hang in there. I tried 2 times to cut my wrist.
The second time was while i was at my mom’s house when she was starting with her verbal abuse again. I took a steak knife and tried to cut my wrist and make them bleed but that didn’t happen. My mom started in on the verbal abuse again and i got up off the kitchen floor where i had been sitting near the sink trying to cut my wrist and walked around to the doorway between the kitchen and living room with the steak knife still in my hand and had a verbal confrontation with her. She told me to put the steak knife down and with how much stuff is piled on the table, and any available space in the kitchen i was unable to just easily put the knife down with out the chance of it sliding off on to the floor. She told me a few more times to put down the knife and eventually i found a spot on the table to set it down.
I had a verbal confrontation with her about how i was tired of dealing with her abuse and also brought up things from when i was around 5 years old when she chained me to the bed with a dog chain and padlocked the one side through the belt loops on my paints and latched the other end to the bed. she came back with a response along the lines that we didn’t have a dog and that i was the one always abusing her.
After the confrontation she got her cellphone and called the police and told them that i tried to kill her. When the police got there they had me step outside and handcuffed me and talked to me about what was going on. I told them that i tried to cut my wrist and that my mom was being verbally abusive. They asked if i wanted to be taken to the hospital and i said yes.
They took me to the hospital in woodland where I ended up waiting pretty much all night to see someone. By the time someone finally saw me it was the early hours of the morning and i no longer felt like hurting myself. They released me from the emergency room in the early am hours and called a cab to take me back home. I went and was dropped off in front of my moms and i went and got my bike and headed to the clinic that i had an appointment later that day.
After my appointment I roamed around until later in the evening then reluctantly went back to my moms and knocked on the door. She answered the door telling me I couldn’t come in and that she filed a restraining order against me. I started to leave and she said something about they should have kept me in the hospital. I left and found a payphone and tried to call my aunt but she didn’t answer. I tried again later but still no answer. I also tried calling my old neighbor but no answer there ether.
I ended up riding all the way across town trying to find somewhere to stay and ended up sleeping out on the streets for a number of nights cold and tired. Because i hadn’t rode my bike in years my legs were cramping up and my hands started tingling because there was no circulation in them and couldn’t do much about it. the one night i was so cold that i rode to the hospital and sat inside to warm up and fell asleep off and on through the night.
I ended up making my way to the employment center that I knew someone there. she helped me by getting me the info to the mission and some snack food that they had there. I ended up finding the mission and found that I could stay 7 days in a row before had to get back in line to see if i could get a bed again for another 7 days.
During this time I hadn’t tried to contact my family again. I made my way over to my old neighbor’s house and found out that my family was looking for me and my one aunt that i had tried to call had tried to call me back but it was a payphone that i had called from and there was no incoming calls to that number. my other aunt had left her number with my old neighbor and i ended up calling her. I ended up seeing both my aunts not too long after that but still didn’t have anywhere to go and stay.
While I was staying at the mission there was times that i couldn’t get a bed for the week so i would have no where to go. sometimes i would be picked up for the night and dropped back off in the morning and have somewhere safe and warm to sleep. this was only overnight stays for a few occasions. my one aunt told me if i have no where else to go to head to the barn and stay there.
So I used to ride all the way from downtown Sacramento to Orangevale when i didn’t have a bed. that was a really long ride especially when I had to take breaks from riding because my hands and legs would start hurting and cramping up. after a number of times going out to the barn for the night and i ended up finding a payphone in the general area i was able to call her and let her know what was going on. she came out after work and took me shopping for some basic stuff. an ice chest, cot, and some basic other stuff for eating with. ended up getting canned food and some stuff that had to be refrigerated.
after about a month of going to the mission and loaves & fishes i ended up just not wanting to even deal with that environment anymore so i just stayed in the barn every night from then on. I didn’t have to deal with the smoking going on all around me, didn’t have to worry about getting a bed for the night. and during the day i would sometimes be gone during the day to the library or go shopping for basic groceries and lunch sometimes.
during this time I was working on stuff out there such as cleaning stalls, working on cleaning up the barn, and other stuff like that. I ended up eventually doing some odd jobs and got enough money for a prepaid cell phone. I ended up making enough money for a cheap android tablet also so that when i went to the library i could check my e-mail and look up other stuff online.
My aunt and uncle were working at putting in a shed in there back yard during the summer so they would pick me up and have me help them and take me back out to the barn or occasionally would have me stay the night. when the shed was complete i didn’t see them as often and occasionally would help them with stuff.
with winter starting i was helping them with stuff at there house and helped them clear out there storage that they had been renting for a while by that time. well they had picked me up from the barn to have me help them with whatever and was staying there for a bit and was getting ready to go back out to the barn and was told that they were going to have me stay there for a while. well this lasted about a year and a half and i ended up back out on the streets.
during the time i was there i was trying to find a job even with all my issues but never heard back from the few that i applied for. then i was trying to find help to get a psychiatrist and get on SSI but everywhere i tried calling ether said they didn’t take my insurance or it went to an automated system and couldn’t get through to a human to talk to someone.
While i was at my aunt and uncles house i changed all my medical and food benefits from yolo county to sacramento county but that in its self was a nightmare. I went to the department of human assistance and applied for both medical and food benefits and when it came time for my food benefits to be added there was nothing.
I contacted my worker and both counties and after almost a month of going around in circles i finally got in touch with someone in yolo county that actually helped me clear up the mess by contacting my worker directly and i was able to get my full back food benefits added to my card after they fixed the mess.
Later i went to try to find out for my medical benefits for getting a dr and found that i didn’t have medical coverage still. so i went in and reapplied for medical and then later made a call to find out something and they told me that there was an issue with yolo county for my medical coverage. so i called both yolo county and sacramento county and went in circles with them and then someone gave me another number to call and eventually got through and explained the issue and eventually after a few other calls i was told that i now had medical coverage through the provider i choose while i was on the phone.
I just recently was finally diagnosed by my psychiatrist with several things that I already pretty much figured I had already with my own research and knowing what I am going through. I was diagnosed with Bi-Polar Disorder, Post Traumatic Stress Disorder, and Anxiety Disorder. This is the main things I have been dealing with on my own until a few years ago. Now I have a regular psychiatrist to help with adjusting the medications and hopefully get my life back on track.
Before I had a psychiatrist I was put on Anatriptyline 25mg and had some side effects however it did have one positive effect and that was it kept me from hurting myself overall. however the last time i saw my primary Dr was before Obamacare took over and my Dr upped the Anatriptyline to 50mg and I started having bad side effects. I attempted to get in touch with my Dr repeatedly over the phone and in person at the clinic however the response from the staff was always the same… Someone will get back to me… After months of going in and calling i finally gave up on ever getting through to my Dr in West Sacramento